The 11th Commandment: Thou Shall Not Read the Comments

Thou Shall Not Read the Comments - #NaBloPoMo

The 11th Commandment of Blogging is “Thou shall not read the comments.”  For the most part, the people who visit your own blog, and keep coming back for more, well, they’re your peeps.  I’m clearly not talking about them.  But when you post on a big sites like ScaryMommy, HuffPost or YourTango, you can bet your petoot that the trolls are going to be furiously typing beneath their bridges.  And what they say isn’t always going to be favorable.

I admit – I usually do check up on the comments to see how well (or badly) one of my posts was received.  Usually though, I don’t respond.  Occasionally there’s one that’s aimed a little below the belt, but for the most part, I’ve been able to laugh them off.  I’ve found though that there are generally about eight different kinds of commenters – and I’ve added what I would respond (if I did):

The Sanctimommy

– I can’t believe you posted that.  I’m so offended.  You should be arrested and your parenting license should be revoked.

Well Sanctimommy, you can either pull the pickle out of your ass and realize this is humor or head over to Martha Stewart to be with your Stepford friends.

Dr. Spock (The Logical Mommy)

What you have written is something I’ve never experienced…so I don’t believe it happened to you. 

Am I exaggerating?  Maybe a bit Spock – that’s what story telling is all about.  However, if you think that only things that happen to you can happen to other people, you might want to crawl out of your cave once in a while to see if maybe you’ll see your shadow at some point.

The Cheerleader

I love all of your posts – that’s just so funny!

Why thank you.  You’re absolutely right.  I’m hilarious!

The Lost Boy

– This post is about a single mom, but I’m a single dad, and this single mom site never posts about single dads and I am disenfranchised and under-represented.  Instead of writing my own post, I’m just going to complain to you about it.

Have you seen this post about single dads at The Bloggess’ site?    I think it would really interest you.

The Witch Doctor

Doctor Hoodoo saved my marriage with his special chicken egg cure – and he can save yours too!  Just send an email to him Doctor.Hoodoo@thisistotallylegit.com.

Should I put my credit card and social security numbers right in the email?

Hemingway

I used to love this site for its witty, literate, thought provoking posts.  Now it’s filled with coffee fuelled moms in yoga pants who have daddy issues. 

Ummm…yeah??  So a) why are you still reading and b) just to be completely clear, I drink tea, not coffee.

The Expert

I am a (self-proclaimed) expert because my wife’s cousin works in a job that borders on the topic you’ve discussed. You’re completely off base for reasons I can’t actually articulate.

Well good for you then.  I’ll tell you right where you can stuff your “expert” testimony or advice.

What’s your experience?  Do you read the comments?  Have I missed anyone?

This is my nineteenth post for #NaBloPoMo, #NaNoPoblano and the YeahWriteMe NoMo Challenge!  Just over ten days left of a post a day!

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November 2 - #NaBloPoMo

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40 thoughts on “The 11th Commandment: Thou Shall Not Read the Comments

  1. Avatar
    Margaretha says:

    Unless there is the slightest bit of constructive criticism in there, I ignore it. Except the ones that are so preposterous that they make me laugh. Those I keep. Maybe I’ll do a post about critical but hilarious comments.(some “moron” ones would qualify)

  2. Avatar
    Crappy Christmas Letter says:

    Can I add The Moron? This is the idiot that sarcastically thanks me for providing such useful information. Uh…I write about my plumbing exploding and sending toilet paper and by-products onto my front lawn..of course it’s not useful. Doesn’t the title of my blog already kinda tell you that?
    Haters!

  3. Avatar
    Dana says:

    I had a few trolls on one of my post’s Pinterest pin – seriously? I try to ignore it, but it’s tough. Fortunately I don’t get published many places, and my own commenters are simply lovely.

  4. Avatar
    Corinne Rodrigues says:

    Oh dear! Just yesterday I saw some self-righteous peeps on Skinny and Single’s site and admired the way she dealt with them so politely! I haven’t had any of these trolls but I did have one woman take my response to her comment and make an idiotic post out of it! She didn’t have the guts to mention my name, so I ignored her!

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    tamaralikecamera says:

    Oh my god, the Hemingway. That’s EVERYWHERE. Everywhere. “I used to read here..blah blah.” And yet, you’re still here. Aren’t you?
    So I don’t have a lot of troll experience but once one of my recipe posts won Facebook ad space through a company I write for and I made the mistake of reading the FB comments. One of them said I spent too much time making my kids’ school lunch and that SHE spends that time cuddling her kids. The sanctimonious type. It made me laugh and still does because I only make Scarlet’s lunches when she doesn’t buy lunch which is rare. And I do them when she’s in bed.
    I suppose that commenter cuddles her kids 24/7? I feel badly for her family.

    • Live by Surprise
      Live by Surprise says:

      I saw one yesterday (not my post) suggesting that the writer’s son, who had asked to wear an Elsa dress, must be gay because the commenters sons had never asked to do that. I didn’t quite follow the logic…I wish I’d seen it before I posted my blog…

  6. Avatar
    patricemfoster says:

    I wish someone had told me not to read the comment. People can be so harsh taken out their ignorance on you. Lesson learn thanks for awesome article.

  7. Avatar
    Roxanne Jones says:

    Such good advice…and such fun responses to the trolls who walk the earth. It never ceases to amaze me how many folks out there don’t “get” humor and get their panties all in a twist as a result. You gotta laugh.

  8. Avatar
    Jovanhanna Kristina says:

    I’m more of the cheerleader. many times when I want to comment I don’t or delete it because I don’t want to come across as an a-hole or something of the like. Maybe I should broaden my commenting type. Witch doctor seems pretty cool.

  9. Avatar
    lrconsiderer says:

    This is awesome. Glad to be firmly in your ‘Cheerleader’ category

    You missed off the Hater though – the vicious, mean, bully who wishes harm on the writer and/or their family for having expressed whatever was contained within the article. I’ve seen it happen and it’s always shocking and appalling and very hurtful.

  10. Avatar
    T.O. Weller says:

    It has dawned on me lately that I’m a little too cautious in the expression of my opinions. I do it privately, but then I water it down for public consumption.
    It means I’ve been “vanilla” … it also means I don’t get any of those wonderfully fun comments.
    As my voice grows stronger, I have to say — I’m looking forward to getting some of those. Maybe I’ll bookmark this post to help me laugh them off. 🙂

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