A Case of the "What Ifs"

I am weary.

You know it’s not in my nature to fight. That’s why you thought I was the perfect wife. That’s why you were so surprised when I left. I’ve rarely agreed with you, but with enough pressure, I would generally acquiesce to your demands.

I suspect it’s also why you always wait until the last minute to cause a problem. Because you know the pressure will get to me. And that in the past, under extreme pressure, I have given in to avoid fighting.

This time, I’ve spent days with my mind spinning. With effort, I resisted the urge to shout and swear and threaten. Because although it’s not in my nature to fight, showing my anger sometimes is my first instinct. If I show my anger, you win.

But I know that anger and aggression only make things worse. When we both get our backs up, things get…stupid.

So I’ve spent the weekend chewing on the problem. My physical countenance bears it. My shoulders and jaw are tight. My stomach is acidic and churning. My head is cloudy from lack of sleep. I’m limping as my foot swells.

My head is full of the “what ifs”.

What if?

“What if” you withhold the children from me Christmas Day? Even though our Christmas schedule was negotiated as we finalized our divorce. My lawyer advised me not to have it nailed down in the court order. “You’ll have to go to court to change it”. And I went along with him, as it wasn’t in my nature to argue. Even though every fiber of my being told me we’d end up where we are today – with you denying that we have an agreement.

“What if” I need to call the police to enforce it? Will they? I have a strong argument. Documentation of our agreement. Proof that the children have passed in the same manner for the past eight years.

“What if” calling the police is the wrong idea?

“What if” the children’s Christmas is ruined along with mine? While you laugh at the chaos that you’ve created. Revel in it. Punishing me for leaving you. Not realizing the harm you’re causing your own children. That in hurting me, you’re pushing them away. Because I’m part of them. And they’re part of me.

“What if” my husband realizes that this cycle is never ending. That as hard as I try to control it – you will keep me spinning back and forth in and out of court.

“What if” this isn’t what he signed up for?

“What if” he can’t bear it – and wants to leave? Where will I be then?

“What if” I lose myself. I give into the rage. And hurt you. Or tell the children what an ass you are. And how difficult you make every single fucking thing. It’s not who I want to be. Ever. I’ve committed to being the “sane” parent. But you make it hard to maintain it.

“What if” I take a deep breath.

“What if” I remind myself that the children are the only important thing here. And that if I have to miss one Christmas, it’s not the end of the world. I can go back to court, show them how unreasonable you are. I can get a strictly enforceable order – so I don’t end up here again.

“What if” this too shall pass.

“What if” I need to let this go. And it will all work itself out.

Can I do it?

I am weary. But I am strong. I can do this.

I have something to fight for. Even if it’s not in my nature – I will.

Image credit: nenetus / freedigitalphotos.net

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  1. Oh hugs, Liv!!! I”ve been off line for the last week and a half and didn’t see this….what happened? I’ll check the other posts next. I’m so sorry you went through this and I can feel your pain. Yes, it’s time to go back to court and get something enforceable. He is such a dirtwad. I’m so so so sorry you’re going through this–for your sake and for your children’s. <3
    p.s. i know that feeling of weariness all too well–and know without a doubt you will also find the strength to do what needs to be done. <3 hugs hugs and more hugs!!

    1. Author

      It all worked out. I had to take some time and stand my ground…and suggest to him that we could go back to the table to renegotiate for next year. I don’t think we’ll be negotiating anything…but we’ll see. Hope you had more luck.

  2. My heart kept breaking into more pieces as I read this. I wish I had read it sooner, so I could pray for you and try to at least comfort you in some way. Please say you got the kids Christmas day…? Please say your x came through, if only for the sake of the kids?

    And what ifs are always torturing… until they turn into hope with the power of our strength. I’m so so so glad you you have both inside of you.

    1. Author

      I wouldn’t say he came through, but he did acquiesce. Heading to my family Christmas right now – and I understand his family may be having a dinner tomorrow. Thanks for the positive energy. I felt it.

      1. Oh thank goodness. Ish. While that was beautiful, it was also agonizing to read. Hugs.

  3. You are strong and when you put your children first you are giving them one of the greatest gifts you can give. I am sorry for your fear and for the hassle you still experience, yet I am happy that you have the grace, the wisdom, and the courage to “take the higher road,” and to recognize that you can step up and fight when you need to…

    Keeping fingers crossed that it will all work out the way you envision it, and if it doesn’t, that you will find a way to have some semblance of peace in your heart for that day…

    Sending love and light, Liv! <3

    1. Author

      Thank you Annah. Your words mean very much to me. I wish you and your family all the best for the holidays and the new year.

  4. What Ifs are the worst! I send you and your family much strength and love as you proceed forward into a bright new year!

  5. I’m so, so sorry Sweetie. What a colossal TURD he’s being 🙁 No wonder you’re finding life difficult, and how I WISH that he would just fuck off to the far side of fuckoff, and when he gets there, fuck off a bit more. GAH! I’m sure that women are no easier to manage but I’m very most definitely put OFF trying anything again with a chap, because all the ones I know of (or a large proportion of same) seem to turn out to be wholly unreliable dickwads.

    That said, *I* might be a wholly unreliable dickwad, so there’s that. ANYWAY. I’m sad for you, and proud you’re putting the children first, and you BET YOUR ASS you can get an enforceable order next year. Then he can REALLY fuck off.

    1. Author

      You are neither unreliable nor a dickwad. And anyone who says different will have to answer to me. Thank you sweetie.

  6. A lot of scary What-Ifs. Luckily, you, your husband and your children are all strong enough for all of the insanity you might see for the next several years.

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