Sunday Confession:  Please Release Me

The pressure builds and builds.  I long for release.

There are days when the struggle with my ex-husband seems too much. I don’t wish he was dead (exactly), but there are days when I wish he would just disappear from our lives completely.

The pragmatic part of me knows that this loss would hurt the children. I know they love their father. But the wistful part of me believes they’d be better off not to seeing the constant struggle.  If he was gone they would also be released from the prison I find myself trapped inside.

It’s like we’re on two sides of a canyon, each holding on to a rope, pulling as though our lives depend on it. I try to let go of the rope. Sometimes I’m successful. But somehow it always ends up back in my hands again. I don’t know if I’m picking it up, or he’s placing it in my hands – it seems like I let it go and it appears magically.

The latest episode isn’t even really my fight.

He’s written a long note in Flower’s agenda – an attack directed at the teacher because Flower told him she needs a new glue stick at school. Seems he may be under the impression that the school provides these items. He also seems to think that the teacher has refused to give her a new one. Instead of talking to the teacher to see what needs to be done, he attacks. “I don’t know what you problem is.” Threatens her. “Maybe we need to take this to the office.” All over a glue stick that I can pick up at the corner store for pocket change.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m embarrassed. For both myself and for Flower. I feel for the teacher. I’ve been on the receiving end. I’m always on the receiving end. He’s a bully, plain and simple. There’s no way to change it. He’ll always be a bully.

I sent in a glue stick and offered an apology. I don’t know why I need to apologize for him or his behavior. We’re not married.  If anything, the paper that bears the signature of the judge should absolve me of any guilt.  I bear no responsibility for his actions.

And yet I feel like because I bore his children, I’ve inflicted him on others. The teachers. The doctors. The therapists. The caregivers. He insults and bullies them all. I still feel like it’s my fault. They’re not deserving of his behavior any more than I am. Any more than anyone is.  I can’t do anything more about his behavior towards them than I could “fix” his behavior towards me.

I feel stuck.

I wait for the piano plane to fly by…

I’m waiting…hoping…for release.

Image credit: sakhorn38 /

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  1. Oh Liv! I’m so sorry about his outburst to the teacher–and i know you’re horrified and frustrated…I would be, too! But anyone can see the difference between crazy and sane. And the teacher? I’m sure was relieved to see the glue stick, and relieved to know that Flower has one sane parent who she can count on. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs to you!

    p.s. i also do have those thoughts where i wish my ex would move to siberia, etc.

  2. Oh god I’d wish the same thing……and feel bad at the same time because well, you and I have hearts……I do think it’ll get easier as the kids get older, but it is definitely a struggle until then, and I think of you often!

    1. Author

      Thanks Lindsay. You’re absolutely right. Every grain of my body doesn’t want to feel this way…but I’m only human.

      I see you’re growing…and glowing still!

  3. I guess in a way by ‘fixing’ for him, you’re providing the balance of one good parent vs one crappy one for the people who hold opinions about your children. In this way it’s protective and makes total sense. Here’s hoping he falls off the edge of the canyon for ya *hugs*

  4. Grrrrr… Somehow my last comment evaporated!!

    I’ve been watching for a new post from you and finally, after coming to your site to see if I could find any sign of where you’ve been hanging out, I discovered that the RSS feed for your blog on my site is broken!! Looks like I have a bunch of reading to do!!

    In the meantime, this post reminds me of a quote I discovered today: “Faith and fear both demand you believe in something you cannot see. You choose.”

    Do you think it could be some kind of fear that is driving your embarrassment and propelling you to act and apologize on your ex’s behalf?

    I’ve no doubt of his antics, and yet maybe he is feeding off your reaction? I don’t know, but I hope you do know I ask these questions with nothing but love and a desire to see you achieve that “release” you speak of!

    Can’t tell you how happy I was to see that you’re still writing, and quite prolifically, I might add! LOL

    Wishing you and your family as safe and happy Christmas and New Year!

    Until next time…

    1. Author

      Lol. I wondered where you’d been – but you’ve been busy, so understood.

      I don’t think my reaction has anything to do with it – because I avoid reacting any more. But yes, i understand where you’re going. Thanks as always for grounding me. Merry Christmas!

  5. I really, really don’t like him. But that’s not the point here, I know. Just pretend he’s that mullet you had in middle school. (No? Was it just me?) You’ve outgrown it, but still it’s a decision you made. One that embarrasses you. And one with photographic proof. But you are no more that 12yo with bad hair choices than you are the woman that married that douche.

    1. Author

      I’d gotten rid of mine by middle school. Big bangs came in. The comparison stands though.

      Thank you Elly.

  6. It’s an amazing confession, and I think, generous. I have friends who do wish harm on their exes. Exes that wish harm on them too. It would be superhuman not to wish at all to have peace from that.
    But of course, you think of your beautiful children.

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