I Just Wanted to Leave...

I was sick.  So sick.  I didn’t even want to tell him I was pregnant.  I just wanted to leave.  I’d made so many plans…and now I was stuck.  I couldn’t care for my little boy on my own.  I could barely care for myself.  Even so, I was fiercely in love with this new baby.  And I knew I couldn’t bring her into this.

I’d known for about six weeks when he came in on me throwing up.  Again.  The morning sickness was so bad – it was almost as though the baby knew what a sick situation I was in.

He towered over me in the doorway. “He stinks.  Change him.” He turned sideways, admitting our toddler.

“I can’t…I’m sick…”, the words drooled out of my mouth with the last bit of vomit.

“Well…you’re not pregnant,” he spit at me from the doorway.

“Alright, I’m not” I responded, with a bitter sarcastic tone, my arms around the seat of the toilet.

“Well…its not mine” he said as he turned and walked away, after pushing our son further into the room.

My son put one hand on my shoulder, and his thumb in his mouth.  I folded against the cold tile wall trying not to let the smell of his diaper overwhelm me.  Huge tears spilled down my face and silent sobs racked my body.

I wished she wasn’t his.  I knew she was, but I wished she wasn’t. Months later, I asked the lawyer what would happen if I agreed she wasn’t. He’d asked for a DNA test…what if I just said she wasn’t his.

The lawyer understood.  I had no fight in me.  I never did. That’s why I’d been so sick for so long. My marriage was one big fight.  And I wasn’t a fighter. I didn’t like confrontation. I’d rather avoid and hide. My body’s response was to make me physically ill.

He took my hand…and told me to get the test. We both knew what the result would be.

Leaving while pregnant was hard. But it would have been so much harder to stay.

More on this story at Since My Divorce – Pregnancy is Sometimes the Catalyst for Leaving

Image Credit:  hyena reality / freedigitalphotos.net

This post originally appeared on Live by Surprise on October 1, 2015.


  1. “Leaving while pregnant was hard. But it would have been so much harder to stay.”

    That is what makes people leave, I think – the real disadvantages of staying outweigh the potential hardships of getting out. For me, it was looking at my ex and realising I honest-to-God hated him. Two weeks later I was out the door, and although life hasn’t been easy since by any means, if I hadn’t gone I might well be dead by my own hand now.

    Thanks for such a raw and honest post.

    1. Author

      I know that feeling. Intense hatred. Sorry you did too. I’m glad you got out…and you’re here.

  2. Your ex is such an asshole Liv! I hate that he beat you down like that and you couldn’t even enjoy your pregnancy like most women get too. I’m the say way when it comes to confrontation and will only fight back if I absolutely have no choice. I’ve taken a lot of emotional beatings in my life because of that. I feel so lucky to have found such a gentle, loving soul in my second husband.

  3. Aw, this is so disturbing. You’re shedding a light on some pretty devastating circumstances. I’m sure many women have faced as well. I remember when I was pregnant with our third, my husband asked me what I was “going to do about it”. I’ll never forget that. In that moment I learned what it felt like to be unloved. That baby never came to be as I miscarried a few months later. It’s still a painful memory. I’m so happy for you liv, that you’re out and happy now.

  4. Uggghhhh. I feel like you and I should have been in group therapy together. When my daughter was born and X3 didn’t come, I briefly toyed with the idea of leaving her father’s side of the birth certificate blank. It sure would have made life easier down the road. I get IRATE when I have to produce ‘permission to travel’ documents from him when I cross borders.

    1. Author

      I had similar thoughts. But it would have cost lawyers fees to change it so didn’t bother….crossing borders is a pain for me too…

  5. Very sickening. I’m so happy to know you now, and to know how much you’ve overcome to be happy now.

  6. I can’t even imagine. Not just the emotional turmoil of not being supported and loved when pregnant, but having the joy of expecting a child ripped from the experience. And yet, in a way the pregnancy ultimately was what precipitated your taking the step that resulted in all of your future joy.

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