What To Do When Your Friend is an Insomniac

What To Do When Your Friend is an Insomniac 1

I don’t know if y’all know my friend Michelle Poston Combs, but if you don’t, you should. That lady is knock you on your ass hilarious. And her husband Randy is like the Bonnie to her Clyde, the cream to her coffee, the salt to her vinegar. Michelle’s site is Rubber Shoes in Hell. And if that alone doesn’t make you love her…

So my mostly invisible internet friend Michelle (who I actually met for real in person one time, and I may have touched her butt) suffers from occasional (regular) insomnia. And on her site, she wrote down all of the questions her ever thinking head asked while she was suffering from said insomnia. The exact number of questions is questionable, but it was over fifty. Unfortunately, Michelle lives in another state, so I can’t just pop over for wine (OK tequila), so I asked her if I can answer those questions…and hopefully she said yes because:

Was Mr. French happy with his career choice?

I like to think so because he never had his own children and Buffy and Jody loved him very much and he seemed to care for them as well. I also wondered if he and Mrs. Beasley had a thing…but maybe it was just me.

How many people even know who Mr. French is?

Not very many. This is where I point out that I married a much older man—and the only reason I know who Buffy and Jody and Mr. French are is because he watched them when he was a kid and they had replays on one of the crappy channels when I was still married to him (the Goblin King, not Mr. French. I’m not certain Mr. French is still alive or was marriageable at that time and I’m too lazy to Wiki it. Maybe someone will answer in the comments).

Have I ever wanted a French dip more than right this moment?

Remember that time you were drunk in college? That time came close.

Why do I trust packaging more if there is twine involved?

There is a scientific principle that states the ratio of twine to box greatly increases the stability of a package.

Why do I ever buy super lotto tickets? Do I love to be disappointed even though I claim to hate disappointment?

I’m going to point out that this was two questions and you counted it as one. And then I’m going to answer your question. No, you buy super lotto tickets because you are a dreamer. You’re not buying disappointment, you’re buying  a dream.

Why can’t I ever eat that last banana?

The last banana is statistically most likely to be the worst one. The real question is, why are you so obsessed with bananas?

If I had a time machine, would I use it responsibly?

I’m not going to answer this. Because we both know the answer.

Why would I even ask that last question? Of course I wouldn’t.

See?

Would Norman Reedus like my banana bread?

Only if you made it with every banana except the last one.

Is there anyway I can make question number nine nasty?

I just talked about you making it with bananas. Seriously though. Get help. Bananas are a gateway fruit.

Are my old lady snaggle teeth coming in?

No.

Is my old lady smell coming in?

Maybe. Mine appears to be and I’m younger than you. So if age is a tell, then likely.

How many pairs of clean underwear do I have to have before I stop feeling anxious?

There aren’t enough underwear in the world. Sorry.

Is there an accurate way to measure how much wood a woodchuck can chuck?

I believe you’d have to measure that by volume. Possibly using a wood chipper and measuring cups.

What is a woodchuck?

Obviously it’s an animal that can chuck wood. It may even know Chuck Norris.

How many pairs of saddle oxfords have I owned in my life?

Thirty-seven.

How exactly does one rock a casbah?

Clearly if you’re going to do it properly, you’ll have to make sure Shareef knows about it and isn’t invited.

Did those men ever get hats?

No. Sad story really. By the time the song earned enough money to buy some rocking hats, they had no heads to put them on.

Why don’t all places deliver food? Why do we just want pizza brought to our door? Why not a nice stew?

One guy ruined that for everyone.

Why don’t I make more stew?

You should. If you start delivering, you could probably make some money.

How many people are looking up stew recipes at 3:00 am?

Very few people are on the interent at 3 AM. Possibly just you and a man in a big White House with very tiny hands.

Should I start a stew delivery service?

Only if you start making stew.

Should I stay or should I stew?

The stewing already appears to be happening…might as well ride it out.

How many more times will I have to have the “we are not changing our names to Mr and Mrs Potatohead” argument with Randy?

The real question is, do you really want it to stop?

How can someone who wants to be known as Mr Potatohead sleep so soundly?

I’m going to dip into some Chinese mysticism here. I know you and Randy get along really well. And Confucius say man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

If I could go back 40 years, with all the information I have now, would I affect change or would I just be the crazy person who stands on the same street corner for years shouting about Trump?

I’m not answering this question. Either answer makes me sad.

Why would Dumbledore sing about leaving a cake out in the rain?
Clearly he should have been sobbing.

How did I manage before getting Alfie the kitty?

Randy.

What the fuck is Alfie the kitty looking at on my bedroom ceiling?

Spider.

Why would I even consider buying a white shirt?

You too are Dory-like.


Do I not remember the fate of every piece of white clothing I’ve ever owned?

See…now this is one question. So w’re back to the original count.

It’s a really cute shirt though, isn’t it?

Damn straight.

Okay, fine. It’s cute. Why would I consider buying something that needs to be ironed?

Because dry cleaners.

Do I even know how many years it’s been since I’ve ironed something?

No. No you don’t.

Job interviews aside?

Doesn’t count.

Am I going to be okay?

Yes.

Did the naked cowboy participate in any marches?

I hope so. He seems like a nice, open-minded guy. Most naked people are. (I touched his butt one time too…so you have that in common with him.)

How many minutes of my life have I spent trying to tie a cherry stem with my tongue?

We’re probably at the point where we can count it in days, aren’t we?

Why don’t I follow through on things? Like the cherry stem thing? Or paying bills on time?

Squirrel!

Why do I sometimes buy orange or yellow clothes? Do I secretly want to look ghoulish?

Because you are an incredibly open-hearted person, and despite the fact that some people have orange skin clothes and are despots, it doesn’t mean that all people who have orange skin clothes are despots. As for yellow…it might have something to do with your obsession with bananas.

How can I both learn how to make Buddha bowls and make fun of them at the same time?

If anyone can figure out the answer to this one, you can.

Seriously, Buddha bowls?

Yes. Seriously.

They do look delicious though, don’t they?

Make me one too.

Should I give Monday a fair shake?

No.

What does that even mean? A fair shake? I mean, I know what it means, but why does it mean give something a chance?

The term originated from the non-scientific (but effective) technique of shaking whiskey to assess its quality.

Am I going to even look that up? Or just wait for someone to explain it in comments?

I knew you weren’t going to. And now I’m wondering if someone did explain it in the comments and I missed it. Tell me in the comments if they did.

I think I already know the answer to that question, don’t I?

Yes. Was I first?

Why can’t I find a sugar substitute that tastes like sugary goodness and won’t try to kill me with it’s chemicals?

It’s like a unicorn. A great idea, but impossible in practice.

Are there any pudding cups in the fridge?

Yes. I wouldn’t eat them though because of the answer to the next question.

How long has it been since I cleaned out the fridge?

Since well before the expiry date on the pudding cups. And those suckers last forever.

Randy won’t notice if I turn the TV on, will he?

Nope.

Seriously, am I going to be okay?

Seriously, yes. I’m not going to promise there aren’t going to be bumps. But you and me? We’re old hats at bumps. We can rock those like the casbah.

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8 thoughts on “What To Do When Your Friend is an Insomniac

  1. THIS WAS HILARIOUS. Oh my gosh I laughed SO hard at your answers! And of course Michelle’s questions too! I mean, what a PERFECT thing to write about. Who DOESN’T go through this at night- at least once in a while and for many, it happens often. The questions that run wild in our heads are cray- Michelle is brilliant and funny and well, you KNOW how I feel about you already, so…

    I think you guys need to do more of these… seriously EPIC.

  2. Doug in Oakland says:

    I tried to answer the “fair shake” thing in the comments, and even got an answer about whiskey, but yours was better.

  3. I already loved you like crazy (and not just because of the butt touching) but now I love you with ALL my crazy and the good parts, too Not your good parts. My good parts. Of my brain. This is getting way too weird, isn’t it? Point is….BIG FAT HUGS AND KISSES TO YOU.

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