The pressure builds and builds. I long for release.
There are days when the struggle with my ex-husband seems too much. I don’t wish he was dead (exactly), but there are days when I wish he would just disappear from our lives completely.
The pragmatic part of me knows that this loss would hurt the children. I know they love their father. But the wistful part of me believes they’d be better off not to seeing the constant struggle. If he was gone they would also be released from the prison I find myself trapped inside.
It’s like we’re on two sides of a canyon, each holding on to a rope, pulling as though our lives depend on it. I try to let go of the rope. Sometimes I’m successful. But somehow it always ends up back in my hands again. I don’t know if I’m picking it up, or he’s placing it in my hands – it seems like I let it go and it appears magically.
The latest episode isn’t even really my fight.
He’s written a long note in Flower’s agenda – an attack directed at the teacher because Flower told him she needs a new glue stick at school. Seems he may be under the impression that the school provides these items. He also seems to think that the teacher has refused to give her a new one. Instead of talking to the teacher to see what needs to be done, he attacks. “I don’t know what you problem is.” Threatens her. “Maybe we need to take this to the office.” All over a glue stick that I can pick up at the corner store for pocket change.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m embarrassed. For both myself and for Flower. I feel for the teacher. I’ve been on the receiving end. I’m always on the receiving end. He’s a bully, plain and simple. There’s no way to change it. He’ll always be a bully.
I sent in a glue stick and offered an apology. I don’t know why I need to apologize for him or his behavior. We’re not married. If anything, the paper that bears the signature of the judge should absolve me of any guilt. I bear no responsibility for his actions.
And yet I feel like because I bore his children, I’ve inflicted him on others. The teachers. The doctors. The therapists. The caregivers. He insults and bullies them all. I still feel like it’s my fault. They’re not deserving of his behavior any more than I am. Any more than anyone is. I can’t do anything more about his behavior towards them than I could “fix” his behavior towards me.
I feel stuck.
I wait for the piano plane to fly by…
I’m waiting…hoping…for release.
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